Bby's first official newsletter-style newsletter
A WHAT?
Hello Friends!
In the past two weeks I had an essay from July pick up some traction leading to a bunch of new subscribers. Thank you (how do I insert happy tear emoji on my laptop?) I wanted to take a moment to pause from my normal essay-style posts and check in. Have a conversation if you will!
If you’re new here, HELLO! This is aspoonfulofstories where I write some food, some stories, some food stories. I mostly share stories that explore our relationship with food, including intersections such as feminism, food justice, politics, etc. But this is my newsletter gosh darnit! And even though the big scary publishers told me I needed to have a niche, the reality is I post whatever I damn well please.
HOWEVER, if you subscribed recently from enjoying “The Feminine Urge to Repress Sexuality by Dieting” below are some additional posts you might enjoy.
I’m a Dietitian and I Don’t Know How to Have a Healthy Lifestyle Either
I Don’t Give a F*** ‘What a 40-year old Physician Eats on 850k in California’s Bay Area’”
Some Thoughts on Pleasure
Since “The Feminine Urge to Repress Sexuality by Dieting” gained traction, it reminded me how many women- of all ages- desperately want to have their lived experiences named and known. Who better to guide you than this girl! An A++ hedonist.
If this post made you think more deeply about your relationship with pleasure, here are some additional thoughts that I ask you to linger with. And if you’re willing, it would be lovely to share your responses in the comments to help others feel seen.
As I mentioned in the post, pleasure is a necessary sensation. It indicates when something is “good” for us. Albeit - sometimes our interpretation for the dosage is a wee bit off. Sometimes our identification of the experience is off.
For example, some things (like drugs) give us such intense hits of pleasure, that we might feel “down” when it wears off. The intense depression might lead one to rely on the drug even more.
Because pleasure is often associated with things that are good for us, if misinterpreted, it can actually restrict us. For example, safety and comfort are associated with and therefore confused with pleasure. But this could lead some to never “step outside” their comfort zone and experience something new.
Pleasure can also be associated with things that are bad for us - such as pain, fear, anxiety. The thrill can lead to endorphins, and again if confused, can lead some to over engage in the harmful behavior.
What I want most women to think about though is that the degree of our compulsions is proportional to the degree of our deprivations. If you have a compulsion or addiction… or a shameful “crutch” that makes you feel… well “good”… but you know it’s bad for you, what part of you is being so deprived that your body has the compulsion to seek out pleasure in such an extreme manner?
It’s not easy to assess what restrictions exist in our lives. Most of us, respectfully, live mundane ritualistic lives in which we have very few opportunities to ask if we are happy. And frankly, even asking yourself the question might make you more depressed (trust me, I’m clinically depressed and probably always will be.) We only know what we know. We can think resentment toward our partner is “normal”. We may not question daily debilitating fatigue after a work day. We might believe that exercise is supposed to feel like punishment as opposed to relief.
As a fellow women, depressed person, and former ED clinician I’d have to say that it’s hard work to get to the bottom of it all, but a great start is experimentation. Sometimes you have to let the pendulum swing to find where it settles. Sometimes you have to cut yourself free. Sometimes you have to say “no, I will not settle for this. I do not have to” even when you don’t know what your other options are - even for really really big scary things. Sometimes your most shameful acts and desires reveal the parts of you that need mending, not exile.
Some other prompts from the essay
If the essay made you take a step back and pause… here are some additional questions you can ask yourself. No need to answer them all. Everyone is working through different things.
Do you ever “show” people your pain? How? Why would you need to do that?
Has your body ever shut down in your relationships? Either romantic, platonic, or familial? What did it feel like? What did you do with those feelings?
When you have tried to lose weight, who was it for? And why do you believe that it was for you? What made you need to lose weight for you?
What have you done to make yourself seen? To make yourself less seen?
What pleasure is permissible for others to see? What is impermissible?
When do you need pleasure the most, the least?
Does pleasure ever make you feel confused?
What does your relationship look like between pleasure and food?