Break Up With Me Coconut Curry Ribs
A Brat Girl Summer Special.
Ever need something to cook while you’re moping about your house, trying to organize your brain after a break up? Try these Break Up With Me Coconut Curry Ribs. A la my most recent, blindsided break up. What would Stephanie’s substack be without a melodramatic romance post?
This recipe is quick, easy, delicious, is simple AF and requires minimal instruction. Don’t worry about perfection! There is none. You’ve just spent your whole life expecting partners to be perfect, and after doing tons of maturing, were finally gifted someone who you thought was perfectly imperfect. He who felt crushed by your adoration and celebration of those imperfections. He who thinks that you think he is “not enough” despite the fact that you constantly shower him in affection.
Ingredients:
A Rack of ribs?
Mae Ploy Green Curry Paste that is a year past it’s expiration date and has lived in 3 different homes in the past 16 months alone.
An unknown amount of honey and brown sugar.
A can of coconut milk
Kitchen Stuff:
Dutch Oven
Baking Sheet
Oven
Directions:
If ribs are frozen, defrost them overnight as you eagerly anticipate the-first-person-you’ve-committed-to-in-a-very-long-time to come over the following day!
Put your hair in curlers. Take them out of curlers.
Open door to cute man who is clearly pouting. Have a very unsettling conversation about how you are incompatible that completely blindsides you! There is no way to work it out because he’s basically triggered by all the things that he said he loved about you!
Show man out. Walk to library. Don’t bring a book home. Call Mom. Cry like you normally do when you’re upset about a man because she’s the only one who will tolerate it.
Enter home. Take an unknown amount of old curry paste and rub ribs. Over. and over. And over. and over. Ignore the fact that you actually considered long-ish distance with a man about to travel to South East Asia.
While retelling the break up story over and over again, remember that you actually don’t tolerate curry very well, and scrape off a piece of honey comb that you shared with man-who-you-felt-stable-and-secure-around, then rub into curry and ribs. (Did I forget to include honeycomb in the ingredients???)
Realize that honeycomb is hard to break down, wash hands, take brown sugar out of the jar with your dry hands, rub into baby back ribs.
Rub. Rub. Rub. Hah. Ew. Rub again. Question again how you’ll ever date a man when you are repulsed by dude jokes. Making such a statement was part of a knock against you. It always is. Should it be? Dude jokes are gross. Can we just agree on that? If we can agree, then you can keep making them.
Let ribs marinate for 60 minutes.
Realize that you’re very scattered and don’t know what to do and lost track of time and need to leave the house in a few hours, so turn the oven to 200 F.
Put ribs in a dutch oven, add a can of coconut milk. Place in oven.
One hour later, notice that the oven is not very hot. Turn to 400 F. Plan to let it sit for 15 minutes. Get distracted feeling like a bad B**** buying clothes online and looking for travel opportunities. Then after 30 minutes, turn the oven back down to 200 F.
Get distracted moving all your outdoor gear up to the living room. Put curlers back in. Consider making a starch and then realize you don’t have any. At some point, uncovering the dutch oven would be a good idea.
Oh! Shoot. Notice that you’re supposed to leave and cry at a bar in 45 minutes with a friend. Take the ribs out, let them cool down while you’re gone. Leave.