I'm a Dietitian and I Don't Know How to Have a Healthy Lifestyle Either

And why practicing a "healthy lifestyle" is impossible under capitalism.

It’s a Monday night and I’ve spent the entire day contemplating whether or not to go to a drop-in jazz class. The entire day I’ve been cramming domestic tasks in between six hours of virtual appointments in the bedroom that I rent. Vacuuming, laundry, gardening, meal prep, making phone calls. I feel like I haven’t had a second to pause and rest yet I know I’ll regret not going.

If I don’t go to dance, my legs will be restless for the rest of the night. My brain will be itching to leave the house. I would have time to work on my writing that will help propel my otherwise stagnant career. If I go, I’ll have a hard time sleeping tonight and will be down $18. But my legs will feel relaxed. My shoulders, which have multiple calcified muscle knots from years of sitting at a computer, will open and hopefully release some tension. And most importantly, I will feel embodied - attuned to every cell of my body as it moves to the music.

But all day my never-ending “to-do” list has been haunting me. It’s been building for months, and I was lucky to have a backpacking trip cancelled this weekend which gave me time to chip away at it. Regardless, I barely made a dent. But what I was able to do was finally successfully prep food for the week- which I’ve been struggling to do for months.

I spend my entire work day teaching people skills to take better care of their diets. Teaching them to meal plan, grocery shop, and prep food. We prioritize self-care in an enjoyable and sustainable way. Many of them feel frustrated to experience such difficulty developing new routines. Many of them are pathologized by society for their difficulty. But the reality is, I don’t expect many of them to be “successful” in the way society wants them to be. I just want to tell them “it’s really not possible”, but instead I say “you’re doing the best you can.”

The reality is I live an incredibly “healthy lifestyle”, or at least compared to most Americans with similar incomes. And not just a stereotypical “healthy lifestyle” that needs constant tracking - I mean like a truly balanced, truly authentic, intuitively healthy lifestyle. Yet everyday I feel like I’m going to collapse.

I cook hella well. I cook almost every meal or snack I eat from scratch. Lots of veggies. Various sources of protein. I let bread rise while I’m working. I don’t just eat fresh food, I cook delicious meals. My range of cuisines and culinary abilities is wide. Although I typically deny it, I’m a good cook. Which means I tend to cook whatever I’m craving whenever I crave it and often in a quick and efficient manner. Even with just a small strip of sandy soil next to my rental, I grow some of my own food and know how to preserve it.

I’m active. Less so in the past few months than in the past few years, but definitely more active than the average American. Until last month, I didn’t have a car for a year and walked everywhere or took public transit. According to my phone, I walk on average 5 miles per day and unintentionally. I’m not one to need to “count my steps”, the steps just happen. I engage in an assortment of physical activities - truly whatever my body is feeling. Running. Dancing. Snowshoeing. Hiking. Backpacking. An occasional scramble or ski. Swimming in the winter. Paddle boarding in the summer. Lifting weights was added this year! I want to add trail running. Motivation or interest in physical activity is never a barrier, only time and money.

I live in a wonderful city that is close to various terrains. High alpine mountains. Multiple volcanoes. Rainforests. Deserts. Glaciers. Beaches. Countless large bodies of water. I can get to all of these terrains and back to the city in the same day. Whenever I move my body outside, I am moving it in some of the most beautiful places in the country. Even in the city, the air is fresher than most cities and I can typically see at least one body of water and mountain range at any given time.

I’m social. I mean if you’re one of my friends reading this than hopefully you’re not too frustrated at me for being flaky on plans in the past six months. But still that’s because I’m struggling to keep up (hence the purpose of this post). I have a variety of friends in different places and engage in a social activity the majority if not all days during the week. If I don’t have a social activity planned, I still try to leave the house and be around people whether it’s at the park, bookstore, cafe, or whatever social venue the city can offer me.

I work full-time, but not “Full-time”. I’ve worked about 32-36 hours / week for years and don’t think I can ever move up to 40. I work from home. I’m so lucky. If I can’t find time for domestic tasks, I can squeeze them in between work - turning over laundry in between appointments or letting bread rise. Since I don’t commute, my mornings are relaxed. I haven’t woken up to an alarm in years. I might on occasion if I want to wake up “early” for the gym, which really is only an hour earlier than usual. I get 9 hours of solid sleep nightly.

I have fun. It’s actually my priority. I’m a g damn hedonist and encourage others to be the same. Pleasure is my guiding compass. I go to live music shows, art shows, read books, write bad poetry, smell the leaves of my tomato plants, curate my wardrobe. I haven’t watched TV since Bridgerton Season 3 part 2 came out on June 13th. I’ve watched less TV in the past 18 months than most Americans do in a single month.

I check social media daily. Sue me. But I have to say I’m more of a “poster” than a “viewer” which in my head feels healthier? I don’t do drugs. I drink alcohol lightly. I’ve done a good amount of therapy and my emotional intelligence is quite high. I might have some “unhealthy” romantic habits but in all fairness we have our vices and I still do a pretty good job growing from them.

I’m engaged in my community. More in years past since a recent move disrupted some of those ties, but regardless I feel very secure in my city. I know how to find what I need, who I need, and frankly I run into a lot of people on the street. Albeit, Seattle is quite a small city. I’m a pretty good resource for anyone who wants to discover just about anything in the city. All to say that I’m living a pretty f***ing healthy lifestyle and not in the perfectionistic-diet-culture sort of way. In the truly-authentic-tending-to-every-facet-of-myself sort of way. I do what I want and I don’t do what I don’t want to do. But the reality is I’ve been treading water trying to keep up for years and now I’m starting to accept that I’m drowning.

My body is not even healthy. I can’t find the time to take care of it the way that it truly needs. I have multiple easy-to-solve injuries that I’m trying to tend to on my own because my copay for PT is beyond my budget and getting a referral from my doctor would cost me $$$ anyway despite the fact that I have a low-ish deductible. I hesitate to discuss ongoing problems with my doctors because tests would cost too much. I grow food outside yet live directly under a flight path. I spend more money on groceries than is recommended. I put less in my retirement than is recommended. Despite renting a bedroom, I pay more for rent than is recommended for my income. I will likely be renting for the next decade or two at a minimum. I have bailed on so many social plans and truthfully do not show up as the friend that I want to be. I’m still overworked and lonely.

I don’t write this to make you feel bad for me. Maybe you think I’m being obnoxious but if you do, that’s kind of the point. To force you to rethink what is an acceptable lifestyle. I write this because I’m so tired of this belief that we should be capable of taking good care of ourselves when capitalism straight up doesn’t allow it. Despite working ~34 hours per week, I’m struggling. And I live a dope a*** nourishing life. I’m able bodied. If I fail, I can move back in with my parents. I’m privileged yet I’m still struggling to keep up. The people who are living equally as cool lives and are not struggling are having someone else do the work for them - whether it’s paying a premium for grocery deliveries, take-out, pre-cooked meals, personal trainers, whatever. They can afford a monthly car bill. An e-bike. They work less than I do a week despite making double my income. There is something that is supporting them that the rest of us do not have access to.

One can argue that I can just “do less” but the reality is that if it were up to me, the “doing less” that would benefit me would actually be my job. And any other job. I don’t think I should be working this much. I don’t think anyone should be working this much. “Doing less” under capitalism would be giving up my hobbies, friendships, or high-quality diet. All of which save me. I’d be forced to get all my rest and rejuvenation by sitting in front of the TV every evening and letting my hips get tighter, shoulders rounder, and mind under stimulated.

We all have needs. Shelter. Safety. Food. Water. Sleep. But meeting these basic needs just keep us from dying. They help our body keep up just enough so that we can exist. But we need more to be alive; to exist within our own bodies and exert any source of agency. We need community. Intimate relationships. Trusting pals. We need spirituality, which can be expressed in many different ways. Art. Music. Writing. Meditation. We need a range of movement that supports strength, mobility, and flexibility. We need consistency and reliability in our life but also the ability to practice flexibility. We need to f***ing be outside.

The problem with capitalism is that it convinces us that this lifestyle is only for the elite. There are thousands of people who work for a Seattle-based company who are able to afford a $900,000 townhome within the city, while there are thousands of employees working for the same company who cannot even afford to rent a room. If you are making enough money to comfortably live, it’s because you or your employer is relying on the labor of someone else who is working a lot more than you but making a lot less to live.

I have seen Dietitians who appear to “do-it-all”, but there is still something missing in their lives. They rely on Trader Joe’s frozen meals and protein shakes. Or call a daily bowl of quinoa, kale, and sweet potato lightly dressed in olive oil and everything-but-the-bagel-seasoning a “delicious meal”. They follow rigid workout routines in their home or chain-gym. Reality TV before bed. With their spouse, they can save for a house. But somewhere out in the suburbs where they have to drive to do anything or see anyone. It forces them to retreat deeper and deeper into isolation within their homes which requires them to buy more, and more, and more. Everything they do is thought of for them, created for them. All they have to do is buy it, and never think for themselves.

We are in an abusive relationship with capitalism. It’s goal is to give us breadcrumbs, to convince us that we don’t deserve differently, to isolate us from all that gives us joy. It trains us to be “good consumers”. To buy everything we need instead of making it, creating it, or sharing it. We become reliant on the products it feeds us and can’t imagine any other way to live. It tells us exactly how to live, and shows us examples of how scary our lives can be if we choose to live any different. It’s not entirely wrong - but only because the inability to exist outside it is by design.

To my clients: No, I really don’t think you can do it all. You can try like I am, but the cost is struggling to be present in every situation, scrambling from one thing to the next. I do everything but everything also suffers. I get injured easily at the gym, struggle to feel secure in my friendships, my savings exists but I’d be screwed if a recession hit. But I would rather feel this way than submit to the limitations that our economic culture set for me. I have one life to live and I’d rather do whatever I can to enjoy it the way I choose, rather than watch it all go by to have a little more financial security and then die.

But you also get to choose. You can. It may not look the way you want. It took me years to accept the reality that I will be renting forever. But you can choose. I may have bashed Trader Joe’s frozen meals, but please eat them if doing so allows you to participate in the things that are more important to you. It is your choice to decide what is important to you in this life and how you can prioritize those needs while navigating capitalism. And it can ebb and flow based on your stage in life. There is no right answer. It is impossible to do it all. You will sacrifice something. But it will feel more authentic. And the more you practice authenticity, the more the things that were made for you will present themselves to you.

Edit: I went to my dance class. It was awesome. We had a sub, a small class, and learned choreography to Charlie XCX’s “Apple”. The sub did such a great job making us feel comfortable in our bodies, with each other, and with being sassy. #bratsummer. One of the joys that I have received from forcing myself to do things despite the overwhelm is the pleasant surprises I receive from doing such. It was hard to sleep last night. It took my 2-3 hours to fall asleep, but it was still worth it. I thought I would wake up being stressed about my to-do list, but I’m not. At least not yet. The to-do list will always be there but my life won’t.

Authors Note: I want to make it very clear that I am very privileged. This post may not be for everyone. It does not represent everyone. But there are a lot of people out there with my privilege, income, and identities who are convinced they cannot have the lifestyle that I do when they absolutely can. Additionally, the purpose of this post is to point out that even privilege is not enough. The life I lead is unrealistic in many ways and comes at huge costs.